Subversed

I want you to have power over me.

There’s no sentence that makes you less naked while you say it. You can rehearse it, you can wait for the right night, you can find words that sound casual enough to survive them not liking the idea, and you will still be sitting there having just told someone you want them to take control over some aspect of your life.

So how do you start a D/s dynamic? Really, how? I can’t tell you the number of friends who found out I created a BDSM app and messaged me to ask me not just about the app, but out of curiosity for themselves. They all inevitably end up asking me very shyly, “How could I get started practicing this?” And if they’re asking and sharing that information with me, it’s because they have thought about it before and they haven’t been able to say it out loud or to have that conversation with their partners.

And what’s my go-to answer? That it all starts with a conversation.

That is what we’re talking about today. I’ll speak from the perspective of a submissive and I’ll let Rob talk from the Dominant’s point of view.

If you have realized you are into some kinky stuff and you would like to give it a try, you need to be able to voice that need out loud with someone. You need to be able to say it and to navigate what it takes to learn about it and do it. Heck, even if you met at a BDSM munch, you would still need to have a conversation about your own boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc.

What I’ve noticed is that the fear underneath usually isn’t rejection. You can survive rejection. The fear is being seen fully, kinkiness and all. You’ll still have to sit in front of that person with this new information in the room, permanently, whether they wanted to know it or not. Something like having a card over your head that reads:

I’d like you to have power over me pretty please

HA!

Rob and I had that conversation awkwardly and badly. We told each other fantasies we had, what we wanted to do and try. At first we had the mistaken idea that reading about it was going to take away some of the exploratory fun, and would almost make it too academic, too rational, instead of it “coming from within.” However, after a few of those ignorance-driven sessions, you realize that you have no idea what you’re doing. And while yes, you have some fantasies that come from within, the experimentation with another person needs to be done very carefully.

You do need to read, to inform yourself about safety measures, words, and things like aftercare. So we started reading books together. We listened to podcasts. And we talked, a lot. And everything we learned helped us go deeper into the things we already wanted to do, but in a framework of care that we learned about from educators (Hence SubTasks… wink wink).

Going back to that first conversation though, somebody has to say a real sentence out loud, and here is the only thing I’ve learned that I’d tell someone thinking about it: “Would you want to try something with me this week?” is a perfectly good question. Let that question carry the conversation and co-create a reality where that evolves with your partner.

Rob here

Meghan’s question has a mirror image and it gets talked about a lot less. What do you do when your partner tells you they want you to have authority over them? To take control?

What Meghan told me early on is that the appeal for her was giving me room to explore my fantasies with her. To satisfy my desires and not make her think about anything else. And wow, was that ever an exhilarating idea! It was something I didn’t even know I wanted, until she said it.

And then my brain caught up and went, “But how do I not fuck this up?!”

This is where I put on my nerd hat for a minute. Because Spider-Man turns out to have some useful kink advice: With great power comes great responsibility.

Meghan wanted real choices from me. If I made her design every detail beforehand, I’d be handing the responsibility right back to her. And at the same time, she has the real power. She can veto any idea, any request. So we talked enough for me to understand her limits and the things she was curious about. Inside that space, I could decide what I wanted and let her experience me making the choices.

I also had to stay present while we explored. A fantasy can be incredibly hot in your head, and then another person is actually living it with you and you realize, “Yeah, not so much.” I needed to pay attention to how Meghan responded and be willing to change course. She chose how much authority to give me, and she could change that at any time.

Starting small helped me learn how to carry it. I could choose one thing I wanted and make the request clearly, then afterward we’d talk about what it was like for both of us. Each experience gave me a better understanding of what we both wanted, and a little more room to take responsibility the next time.

That’s basically the shape of a first SubTasks task too: one defined thing with an end, followed by a conversation that helps you choose the next one.

So now we’d like to hear about how your dynamics started. How did you ask, or how were you asked? What did you say, and did you rehearse it, and did it come out the way you planned? If you’re still sitting on the question and haven’t asked yet, we want to hear that too, because I suspect there are more of you than anyone realizes.

Hit reply, or find us on Reddit, Discord, FetLife or social. We’re collecting these, and with your permission we’d love to run some of them in a future issue, because that’s what we want to share here, real stories and experiences.

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Subversed is the newsletter from SubTasks  ·  subtasksapp.com

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