Subversed

A couple of weeks ago I spoke with a long-distance couple who replied to a question in our subreddit about different dynamics. I messaged them right away because I just had to hear more about it. What they said encapsulated so perfectly how dynamics need to accommodate for physical and mental limitations. Cipher and Zara's whole setup is built around the fact that Zara has mobility issues. Her legs give her trouble. She can't be on her feet for long, which makes it worse over time, and she doesn't have access to the physical therapy that would help. So Cipher built her exercise into the dynamic. The workout she needs and can't get from a system that should be giving it to her is, right now, a task in a D/s relationship. That's what it's holding up.

When I asked Cipher what they'd tell a new Dom, they didn't say anything about protocols or control. They said this: "the biggest thing for any dominant to really know going into building a relationship like this is understanding your submissive's limitations first and foremost. Building around those limitations helps the submissive succeed. You don't want to watch them fall apart, otherwise the dynamic's not going to succeed itself."

Building around those limitations is precisely what makes a dynamic work. Not building despite them, or waiting them out, or gently ignoring them.

What strikes me about what Cipher said is how much it asks of the person holding the structure. It would be easier to build a dynamic around a fantasy of your submissive, the one who always has energy, always says yes, never has a bad leg day or a bad brain day. Building around the real person means you keep having to look at who is actually in front of you, this week, today, this minute, and not the picture of them you fell for or the picture of them on their best day. That is harder. It is also, I think, the whole point of the job.

And for the person on the receiving end, being built around, instead of being pushed through, is its own kind of care. It says your limits aren't a failure of nerve or something to be trained out of you. They're just true, and someone took them seriously enough to design around them. A lot of trust can grow in that. A sub who knows the tasks will fit inside what they can actually carry is a sub who can finally let go.

Cipher said something I really liked too: "the tasks are supposed to mostly be for self-care, and the punishments are meant for reflection." Nine words for something a lot of dynamics take months to name, if they ever do. Tasks pointed at keeping her well, punishments pointed at understanding herself. And Cipher landed there not from a book or a protocol, but from paying close attention to one specific person.

They took a Task Kit and trimmed it down so it wouldn't overwhelm her, and every time they hit a problem the answer was less, not more. They're building their own kit out of what survived that trimming, and they're willing to share it with the community. The smallest asks tend to be the ones that carry the most, and I notice the couples who seem to be thriving are almost never the ones with the fullest dashboards. Structure on a good week is a game. Structure on a bad week can turn into a scoreboard of everything you didn't manage. I know that. I've lived it. I don't have it solved, and I'd rather say that here than pretend the app has a setting for it (at one point I drafted an “I'm overwhelmed” button, but we never launched it because we thought that needed to be a larger discussion, but maybe a pause button).

So here's what I'd like to know. What does your dynamic do on a low day? Not a bad-mood day. A day where one of you has nothing left. Does the whole thing pause until the person feels good again? Does it keep firing the same asks at someone who can't meet them? Or does it have a lighter setting, and did you build it before you needed it or after? And if you're the one holding the structure: do you know what your person actually has left this week? Have you asked recently, or are you working from a picture of them that's a few months old? Reach out on Reddit, Discord, FetLife or social, or just hit reply. I read every one, and this is the question I most want to hear you answer, because I don't think many of us have it fully solved, and we get closer by comparing notes.

Meghan

Come say hi

Subversed is the newsletter from SubTasks  ·  subtasksapp.com

MayeTone LLC  ·  1123 Locust St, Ste 347, St Louis, MO 63101
Questions? hello@subtasksapp.com

Subscribe to Subversed