Subversed

The SubTasks team has been exploring the idea of being more than just a BDSM app. We want this to be a space where people learn about power dynamics, where couples and solo users are actively discovering themselves, but we also understand the responsibility that carries with it. That's why we have been talking to authors, educators, sex and relationship practitioners out there who are willing to share their knowledge and teach us what they know.

That is what Subversed is. You learn from others' perspectives, you read the research, you discuss it with other folks out there. And then you put it into practice using SubTasks, because you can know the theory, but you only discover how the theory applies to you and to your relationship once you start experimenting, negotiating, going deep and searching for what is actually meaningful to you.

So with that in mind, let us introduce you to Julie Harris.

We have been talking to Julie for months now. One of the first Task Kits by authors we published was based on her work. You know when something deeply resonates with you, and then you join a call and you keep going back and forth on ideas? That's how it's been with Julie. But what really struck me in our conversations was this thread that kept coming up: the difference between consciously choosing your dynamic versus just passively sliding into one. Whether something is actively chosen, negotiated, and co-created, versus passively inherited. That question of agency feels like the crux of everything we're trying to explore at SubTasks. And Julie has spent years building a framework around exactly that. Her expertise about relationships and how people navigate power dynamics has been incredibly valuable to us, and we want to keep sharing it with you.

The crux of her argument is that your relationship (even the one you have with yourself) has to be treated as a design project.

That is what Conscious Relationship Design or CRD is about.

This means that you don't just fall into a loving, nurturing relationship with someone by just "falling" in love. You follow a series of steps and cycles as you move into it that allow you to create the relationship you always wanted.

What are these cycles about? Well, they actually start by really listening to each other. The kind of listening where you find out what your person actually wants, not what you assumed they wanted. They say it out loud, you say it out loud, and you write it down. Then you let yourselves dream a little, brainstorm the possibilities you'd normally talk yourself out of. Then you try one. A small thing, a prototype, low stakes. And then you come back together and look at how it felt. What worked, what didn't. And then you go around again, a little deeper each time.

Your dynamic isn't something you set up once and defend forever. It's something you keep designing, on purpose, together.

In those check-in discussions, where you talk about everything, you stop feeling like you're getting called into the principal's office, and instead you view it as decision-making time. You negotiate from what you each want, not from who's supposed to be in charge of deciding. The rituals and rewards you land on are ones you built together. And the notes you keep, the shared space where your dynamic lives, stop being a one-time setup you fill in and forget. They become a workspace you come back to as the two of you change. Because you will change, and the design should change with you.

Here's one example from our own lives. Rob and I have always had to be intentional in a way that most couples aren't. We're polyamorous, we each have multiple loving relationships, and in that world nothing can just be assumed. Even something as simple as Rob coming over to work at my place requires conversations to happen first, calendars to be checked, everyone to be on the same page. We learned that the hard way when my husband came home early from work one day because he forgot Rob was coming. Nobody was hurt, nothing dramatic happened, but it was a reminder that good intentions aren't enough. You have to actually write it down. Build the system. We were following CRD principles before we even knew what CRD was, not because we're especially wise, but because our situation left us no other choice. And the truth is that that forced intentionality has made our relationships stronger than any we had when we were just winging it like everyone else.

So here's what we'd love to know: think about one default in your dynamic that you've never actually talked about out loud. One thing that just... happened, that neither of you consciously chose. This week, name it. To yourself first, then maybe to your person. See what that opens up.

Reach out on Reddit, Discord, FetLife or social, or just hit reply. We read every one, and we're still figuring this out alongside you.

Come say hi

Subversed is the newsletter from SubTasks  ·  subtasksapp.com

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