Subversed

Something happened the other day that I'm still turning over in my head. So I'm going to think out loud about it with you.

I was in a meeting with my co-founder. App stuff, roadmap, decisions that needed making. And somewhere in the middle of it, I noticed myself shifting. Sitting up a little straighter. Speaking with more certainty. Pushing back on the things I disagreed with, taking up space.

Nothing strange about that. Except this co-founder is also my Dom.

And right there in the meeting, I had a small jolt of a thought: wait, who am I right now?

Because the person I usually am with him was nowhere in the room. The one who exhales when he takes control. The one who genuinely doesn't want to be the one deciding, who finds real rest in handing it over. In her place was someone competent and assertive and, honestly, a little bit in charge.

I didn't know what to do with that. I still don't, not fully.

Here's what I do know. I'm dominant in most of my life. Work, the way I move through the world, the load I carry. I make a lot of decisions, and I'm good at it. And what I love about my dynamic with Rob, what I actually need from it, is that I get to put all of that down. I can stop holding it for a while and trust someone else to. That rest is real, and it matters to me more than I usually let on.

But we built something together. And in that space, I'm not his sub. I'm his co-founder. Equal. I have opinions and expertise, and I'm not about to nod along just because nodding along feels softer than showing up as my whole professional self.

I don't want to shrink into a secretary in the room where we made this thing. And I don't want to drag the boardroom into the dynamic that lets me breathe.

So which one is it?

I used to assume these things lived in separate boxes. Work brain here, our dynamic over there, neat little labels, and the right version of me would show up on cue. But life doesn't sort itself that cleanly. Anyone who shares more than one kind of relationship with the same person knows the lines blur all the time. Partners who are also business partners. Lovers who co-parent. Friends who collaborate. Put a power dynamic into that mix and it gets genuinely complicated.

The submission I love is something I choose, on purpose. Which is exactly why it can sit right next to a version of me who runs the meeting. Two things that both feel completely true.

I don't have a system for this yet. I'm not going to pretend I do. What I have is a question I've been sitting with: how do we protect the spaces that let us be a version of ourselves we need, without going small in the spaces where we also have to show up fully?

So here's what I'd love to know. Have you ever held two roles with the same person? Two versions of yourself that both feel real? How do you move between them? Reach out on Reddit, Discord, FetLife or social, or just hit reply and tell me how you navigate it. I read every one, and I'm still figuring this out alongside you.

— Meghan

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